Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Kinda in a bad mood these few days... been kinda unhappy and getting sad easily... =( I wish I had a reason as to why I am in such a bad mood recently... Is it cos I am stressed out and burnt out? Is it cos I am thinking too much? Maybe both... Guess things haven't been going as well as I hoped they would... Really quite tired... mentally, physically, what have you... =/
Sometimes, I just wish that I could stop thinking. But that is not possible. I feel so tired having to entertain myself with happy thoughts so that I would cheer up. I feel really so tired, especially at night.
I know I am so full of contradictions. I seem to be torn apart by myself. Why do I make life so difficult for myself? Sigh...
At work, there seems to be so much things to be done, yet so little time. And with all the competition around, it just seems so hard to do things properly. There is simply no room for errors. I also do not want to have errors. But sometimes, I also have no idea of what to do. =( I am really super tired. I used to love going to work. But now, I actually said that I dread going. I fear going to work. I am so scared and frightened. Ask me if everything's fine at work and I answer 'ok!'. That is a lie. A white lie though. To reduce worries. I do want to try my best. I am trying my best. How far can I go? How much can I take? Sigh.
I do not ask for it. But memories are somehow retained in this stubborn brain of mine... in the undeletable memory space of mine. I wish I was a computer. All I need is a click of the keyboard and there goes the unnecessary. The unnecessary memories of the past. His and mine. I simply cannot take it away. Both brings about different things. His - a mixture of jealousy, unhappiness, and more jealousy and more unhappiness and some insecurity. I do not know why though. Mine - a mixture of insecurity, unhappiness, fear, wild thoughts, and more insecurity and more fear. Seriously, I wish I suffer from amnesia. Maybe I would not be in such agony then. I want to forget the past. Forget about the past between him and her. Forget about the other him as well. But know something, the one that affects me more is the past of him and her, more than the past of him and me. I know too much. Can someone give me amnesia please. Just let me forget. Sigh.
What am I to do. I really do not want to be so unhappy. I am so tired. That aside, I feel as if I might be stressing him. Somehow, I feel as if my materialism is surfacing more and more. It is like I am becoming more materialistic. I want more expensive things and all. I look forward to having someone pay my stuff. =( Sigh. I become envious of others. and I start to think. and I get sad. I start compare and all. I start to hope. All these then become unneccsary burden to him.
Sigh. I really have no idea as to what I can do. =(
I am soooooo tired! Can I just give up?
*help*
Sometimes, I just wish that I could stop thinking. But that is not possible. I feel so tired having to entertain myself with happy thoughts so that I would cheer up. I feel really so tired, especially at night.
I know I am so full of contradictions. I seem to be torn apart by myself. Why do I make life so difficult for myself? Sigh...
At work, there seems to be so much things to be done, yet so little time. And with all the competition around, it just seems so hard to do things properly. There is simply no room for errors. I also do not want to have errors. But sometimes, I also have no idea of what to do. =( I am really super tired. I used to love going to work. But now, I actually said that I dread going. I fear going to work. I am so scared and frightened. Ask me if everything's fine at work and I answer 'ok!'. That is a lie. A white lie though. To reduce worries. I do want to try my best. I am trying my best. How far can I go? How much can I take? Sigh.
I do not ask for it. But memories are somehow retained in this stubborn brain of mine... in the undeletable memory space of mine. I wish I was a computer. All I need is a click of the keyboard and there goes the unnecessary. The unnecessary memories of the past. His and mine. I simply cannot take it away. Both brings about different things. His - a mixture of jealousy, unhappiness, and more jealousy and more unhappiness and some insecurity. I do not know why though. Mine - a mixture of insecurity, unhappiness, fear, wild thoughts, and more insecurity and more fear. Seriously, I wish I suffer from amnesia. Maybe I would not be in such agony then. I want to forget the past. Forget about the past between him and her. Forget about the other him as well. But know something, the one that affects me more is the past of him and her, more than the past of him and me. I know too much. Can someone give me amnesia please. Just let me forget. Sigh.
What am I to do. I really do not want to be so unhappy. I am so tired. That aside, I feel as if I might be stressing him. Somehow, I feel as if my materialism is surfacing more and more. It is like I am becoming more materialistic. I want more expensive things and all. I look forward to having someone pay my stuff. =( Sigh. I become envious of others. and I start to think. and I get sad. I start compare and all. I start to hope. All these then become unneccsary burden to him.
Sigh. I really have no idea as to what I can do. =(
I am soooooo tired! Can I just give up?
*help*
