Monday, May 21, 2007
Sigh...
That is all I can manage at this time... =(
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I think I think too much, worry too much. There seems to be so many things on my mind all the time and I always let my mind wonder all over the place.
I really wonder why I am always filled with thoughts of fear... of the fear that he will leave me... maybe not now, but in the future. Somehow, I am that insecure. It's not because of him. It's myself. =( Keep thinking that I will 'chase' him away sooner or later. With all my stupid actions and nonsensical worries.
I really am so tired. Emotionally. =(
I asked him some 'What if' questions. He gave me really definite answers, which should be consoling, but I felt it was too definite. He cant be that sure. Afterall, I witnessed that past.. the extent of the feelings, the extent of hurt, the extent of the things he had done... Even more silly, I asked him another question... What if his family actually prefers the former to me? That is how far I let my mind wonder. How crazily I allow my mind to think. Sometimes, I will think maybe they really do prefer the former to me. In terms of many things. Besides, they might be able to get along better.
Arrgghh... I am really trying to force myself to put them aside. I am so tired. Really really so tired. I wish I could put my brain to rest for a while at least. I wish I could stop letting my thoughts run so wild.
I totally have no mood today. Can't even manage a tweak in my lips, what more a smile. =(
